Not just my body, but my whole personality as well. It’s been really hard, but I feel like I’ve made progress. I really do love myself and think that I am worthy of being alive. (Something that I have not always thought to be true.) I have definitely made progress, and I know that and remind myself of it daily.
But, the thing is, it’s almost my birthday. I always get really depressed at this time of year. I think part of it is just seasonal depression. The winter blues that everybody gets. But the larger part of it is the need I seem to have for some sort of measured accomplishment for the year that has passed. I wish that I could have more tangible results from this year of personal acceptance, but I don’t. It’s not something that you can hold or feel, and so it’s really easy for those feelings of self-worth to get buried in negativity.
It’s also really difficult to deal with the fact that I love myself, but I don’t really see or feel love from others. I’m mostly talking about romantic love, but a lot of my friendships have failed over the past few years, and my family is really not close like we used to be. It’s just really difficult to feel like you are okay with yourself when you get absolutely no reinforcement from others (and if you do, it’s negative). I’m just really lonely and super-anxious about social situations. (To the point where I won’t even answer the phone if it’s somebody I know, and going to work is physically painful.)
I know there are a lot of people I’ve met through Tumblr that have gone through/go through/will go through the same thing. And I really appreciate that you guys are there for me. I cannot tell you how invaluable your support is. But I also feel like I need real human contact and am, at the same time, terrified of just that. It’s something I need to work on with myself. But for now, it’s just difficult.